I'm Cracking Up

Oh I'm so tired.

I don't know why but Tuula has some kind of stressing influence on me. Every time I talk to her I just get more and more stressed. She doesn't seem to get it that I really have enough work to do. She has said herself that she hasn't been in the lab for a years and I believe she has forgotten that even a little things take time.

I made these tests for her and she forgot to mention some important things about them and it took several hours to figure them out and because of that I couldn't take pics of my own cell things and because of that I now have too many object glasses to shoot. And it stresses me more. I should shoot them in order to get some results and I need the results now to know what to do next.

And I think she got angry with me today. I was in a hell of a hurry and she'd already messaged me and I hadn't had the time to read all the messages and then she calls, the phone is right beside me and there is other person at the lab too so I answer and say quickly that I don't have time to talk now, call later, bye. Then I get a message: I'm not calling. WHAT THE HELL??? Then don't. I don't care. Well I do and I get sad if someone is mean to me. Because I could tell that she got offended or something and got angry. Well I am sorry but I was in a hurry and I couldn't speak!!! It pissed me off so much that if I had been alone I would've cried.
I know that she just tried to help me because I just had said her that I'm missing some dyes. But she was supposed to be at the university today and she didn't come (we should've had a meeting) and she asked if I'd need her and I answered that not necessarily (I didn't want her to come just for me cause I know she'd want to be home). Argh! Then I messaged her back few hours later (when I had time to write her) and said some things where she usually replies but now nothing. So I know that she's insulted. And so am I! But I'm just me and I won't say anything. But I know that if she says something tomorrow, I'll have to leave her room cause I'm so stressed that I'll get tears in my eye just for nothing. And this stresses me even more!

Luckily Reija helps me. If there wasn't her, I'd die. But I don't want to bother her too much. Just now I hang on because I know in a week I don't have to go to the university every fucking day. Then I just need to think what I've done and why and make some pics and charts... But then I can be at home.

I don't know why I'm starting to get a burn out (again) now... I'm so close finishing my tests and I do have all the material (in the form of experiments) I need for my thesis, I don't need to write it now and if I need to, I can do some extra experiments later. So why am I cracking up now?? Everything is perfect at home so it's not that either. Everything is fine with friends too. Why??? I feel like I'm so weak that I can't handle the pressure. And I'm getting a flu. I'm sure the first day I stay at home, I get a fever and I can't do anything.

I've been updating the official lab book too, I'm only a week behind (and that is 20 pages). I'll try to get it on date today. Then I should use my evenings after lab to do all the charts ready (not a big thing really) and retouch hundreds of pics (a big thing really). And all this before August. I plan to do NOTHING RELATED TO WORK on August. I need a vacation and I'm going to take it too. Muaha!

Still two weeks... I'll manage. I have to. I will.