Too Much Thinking

Oh my blogger has been changed in Finnish! Just noticed.

I'm going to go to BiTa today. I'm not in the mood going there but I've already paid it and it has been fun earlier. I believe that I'm getting in the mood when I get to the bus and to the place. Luckily it's near Jyväskylä, so the journey to there won't be long.

I have a worry. My periods haven't started yet. Though my tummy is messed up today (as it always gets on the first day). And though they should've started only yesterday or the day before that. But they were so weird last month too. Only one day period and even that wasn't The Period. Not in details. I hope that my tummy knows these things again. If they don't begin this week (as they should since I eat pills) I'll have to go to YTHS to see a doctor.

I really don't know if I'm more worried about is there something wrong with me or am I pregnant? The latter would change all my plans (including the exchange) and that would piss me off because I've really done a big effort to arrange all my things. But if there's something wrong with me... One of my biggest fear has always been that I am not able to have a child. Though adoption is not an issue for me but still. And abortion. Nothing against to it too but I really don't believe it could be an option for me (though how could I know, I've never been in a situation where I should've had to consider it). And the reason for that is again that if in future I couldn't have a baby I would regret the abortion for the rest of my life. And when it comes to children my emotions are on surface and my baby would be the first thing to be thought of.

I believe that if it would be so that I got pregnant, I would be ready to be a mom. I'd have to. I wouldn't give my baby to anyone. Luckily I'm quite long in my studies, so that if I had baby, I could do some book exams on Fall and few courses on Spring. And then I'd go to USA. But then it might be working business, not studies. Or PhD studies there. So my Big Plans wouldn't change. They would only delay.

And about my love, Tarmo. As always I told him about my worries. It almost got me into tears (again). He's so wonderful! I really can't believe I've such a man. We didn't discuss much about the possibility of me being pregnant. And that's only because I'm too afraid to REALLY think about it. I afraid that it might be true. But back to Tarmo. When I told him what worries me, he didn't say much. He mentioned abortion and I said what I think. Then we did other casual stuff and when we got to bed we talked again. He took me in to his arms and conformed me. Then he said that if I'm pregnant, can I go to US? I said no, at least not for that long time I planned (if so, I might go there for a three months or something like that if that's possible). Nothing much else. But the way he talked to me said that he would accept the baby and wouldn't force me in abortion. At least I feel like that. I think also he doesn't want to think this thing.

Okay, I admit now that I've been thinking this a bit. But as I said, I'm too afraid to think it too much. And I'm too afraid to go to Pharmacist and buy a pregnancy test. At least today. I want to focus my thoughts to BiTa. And if my periods won't start by when I get back I think I have to go to Pharmacist. And then to doctor. But that's the furthest I dare to think this.

I can't deny that I haven't had a baby boom. My hormones tell me a lot of stuff about babies. But my brains say other stuff. And I believe my brains. That's one reason why I wanted our kitties. (One of the other reasons were that I've wanted for long some kind of animal). And I can't say that these darling kitties wouldn't have helped. I do want to have babies as young as possible but not sooner than it's necessary. And I've always thought that that would be then when I have a job and I get enough money to take care of the baby well. I don't say that one can't take care of the baby with a little less money but I'm just that much after money. And I've always thought that I'd finish my studies before getting pregnant. And that's what I want to do!

I believe that it doesn't hurt me to think these stuff even that I'm not pregnant. And I'm so lucky that I have this fiancee that supports me and thinks these stuff with me. That's a lot more that I could have ever hoped (because I'm used to men who are just grumpy if woman wants to talk these kind of stuff). Have I ever told how much I love this man?! And the thing is that I DO want to have his child. BUT NOT YET!

I know that if I'm pregnant our parents will be worried because I know they too want us to graduate first. But I also know that they won't abandon us if that happens and that they will support us. Whatever our decision is. I also know that a lot people will think us crazy. But I really don't care. I'm just concerned about our future and I too obey the Darwin´s laws. I just want to pass my genes on to next generation.

I also know that maybe I shouldn't think these stuff before everything is sure or worry before there is something to worry about. But I don't worry this that much that I couldn't sleep or that it would distract me all the time. This is just me thinking all kind of stuff and thinking what if.

I won't worry too much until Sunday. And that's two more days. And I have all kinds of stuff to do before that. And if I need to worry I know who to call and who to worry with.

But now that I've shared this with the internet I can do some other stuff. I just needed to think these stuff through a text.